It's been a month or so since I last blogged, and let me tell you, what a month.
I've experienced more conviction, more stress, more assurance, more growing, more challenges, more testing than in a long time. I've come to realizations, and epiphanies. I've experienced an unrelenting sense of peace, hit the new depths of anger, been more honest, more vulnerable, more out of my comfort zone than ever before, and I'm completely and one hundred percent okay with it.
I am annihilating my school work. I'm getting B's or better in all my classes, and I'm meeting my extra curricular requirements for getting off academic probation as well. I'm so totally ready for the next semester when I actually get to take classes.
(I stopped writing this back in November, and picked it up again in January.)
I ended the semester with a 2.7 GPA(2 B's, 1 C), and about sixty hours of SLT. I don't know if it was enough, and that freaks me out. I am, mentally, dreading not being allowed back into Grace. I know I need to finish my psychology degree. It's kind of critical to starting my life's work out right. Oh yeah, I figured out my life's work.
Mind = Blown
I feel like I am on the edge of being able to outline the core of what I'm going to be doing over the next few years.
I'm starting with the premise that men do not know how to be men, and that we need to relearn what it is to be a man. This is reinforced every time I go out in public, talk to anyone, talk to a woman with a crappy boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, and I'm constantly seeing that men forgot how to take action, how to respect women, how to handle themselves, and how to be men. This is a critical part of our civilization and over the last fifty years it's been slowly diminished and you can see the effect in the news. You've got young men shooting up malls, grown men shooting up offices, men cheating in business, men mistreating women either passively or actively, and the general entropy that is currently shaking the hell out of our society.
I'm not a visionary, this has been a problem that there are multiple books, and men's groups about. The website, artofmanliness.com, the works of John Eldredge, and the ministry of Mark Driscoll are some of the more visible elements of this "menaissance", but except for AoM, the message is pretty limited to the Christian world. And with knuckleheads like Chris Brown, Tom Cruise, Joe Jonas, and the bronzed up meatheads from Jersey Shore setting the standards for men in society at large, we are in desperate times. This is why there's a desperate need for manliness to have a spokesperson, someone who's tried out what the books and groups have talked about, and is vocal about it.
Enter the Dangerparty.
My New Years Resolution is to live fearlessly, boldly, and balanced. As a man. And to change the world. One day at a time.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
To Write Love On Her Arms
A counterfeit counter-cultural response to the "awareness" of self mutilation, depression, suicide, and despair. You can dress up pity, insincerity, and apathy with tshirts and a magic marker, but to anyone who's been there, and made it through, you are doing them a disservice.
In the book "Sex God" by Rob Bell, the idea that love equals sacrifice is pushed heavily. It's in the context of marriage, but the idea is demonstrated in the Bible through the Cross.
To the Missing World, love is just a weird, or a funny feeling in your pants, but to Christians, to the followers of Christ, love is a sacrifice. If your life does not match up to that, maybe you should rethink how you love others.
Write sacrifice on your arms. And then sacrifice in your life.
In the book "Sex God" by Rob Bell, the idea that love equals sacrifice is pushed heavily. It's in the context of marriage, but the idea is demonstrated in the Bible through the Cross.
To the Missing World, love is just a weird, or a funny feeling in your pants, but to Christians, to the followers of Christ, love is a sacrifice. If your life does not match up to that, maybe you should rethink how you love others.
Write sacrifice on your arms. And then sacrifice in your life.
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Dangerparty on the British Office.
Yeah, he doesn't get it either.
The mysteries of God are beyond man's feeble understanding, yet we continually, in our own arrogance, try to make the unexplainable, easy to digest and control. God is bigger than the scope of what we can or cannot understand.
The mysteries of God are beyond man's feeble understanding, yet we continually, in our own arrogance, try to make the unexplainable, easy to digest and control. God is bigger than the scope of what we can or cannot understand.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Ten Dimensional Dangerparty
This summer I had the opportunity to watch a Youtube video that explained theoretical physics up to the tenth dimension. Naturally, about five minutes into it, my head started to hurt, and I'm pretty sure I had a nose bleed. Fortunately, by the fifth minute, I was into the fifth dimension, and man, what a rush.
The first dimension is any point in space, or time. Pick a point in the area around you. Any point. it has no length(the 2nd dimension), and no depth(the third dimension). No matter what angle you look at it from, it is only that one point in space, time, etc.
Now, pick out another point away from your first point and draw a line between the two. The line you have just drawn has a length, and a point in space. Congratulations, we've moved up to two dimensions! Unfortunately, there are some angles that looking at our line reveal only a point. Our line needs some depth.
Draw another line across the line we've already made, creating an X, then put a line through the center of your X. Blammo, three dimensions(Point, length, and depth).
Your mental image should look something like this:
Now, imagine our three dimensional construct in real time. For every moment that has passed since we started this exercise, that point, line, and 3D construct has existed in a certain place and therefore a certain time. No matter what happens, as long as the construct exists, it has a fourth dimension, time. In this case, the fourth dimensions of the construct is the time it exists. From now until it is destroyed it occupies a place in the fourth dimension.
Now the fifth dimension is where things really get interesting. For every choice we made when constructing our 3D construct, if we had chosen another point, another place to draw our second point and line, another color, another place to bisect the X, for every one of these options, there could exist a verison of you that chose that option. For every possible choice we could have made there exists a fifth dimension in which you chose something else.
Now, the ramifications of this in regards to Christianity and God are astounding. I cannot count the number of times I have heard the phrase "God is all powerful" or "God is omnipotent." It's a phrase that gets thrown around alot without much regard to what it truly means. If God is all powerful, then in every choice you could have made, and all the possible alternate realities they could create, then God is still God in every one of those realities, dimensions, and universes. That is what omnipotence means. That in every possible choice you or I could ever make God is in control of every one of them. And in every one of those possible universes, He knows the plan He has for you, and He is in control.
If God is this powerful, and you fully acknowledge it, how come we as Christians still refuse to let him have control over the choices we make? How come we still refuse to bow to His will for our lives? If God is this powerful, and is God in every one of those dimensions, then it means He created all of them, and He is in control of all of them. We say God is eternal, that He is outside space and time, but how many of us ever stop and truly think about what that means?
This has been one of the most mind blowing things I have ever tried to comprehend, and I feel like my comprehension is barely enough.
The God I serve is this powerful. I can trust Him with my life. It's time I lived like it.
The first dimension is any point in space, or time. Pick a point in the area around you. Any point. it has no length(the 2nd dimension), and no depth(the third dimension). No matter what angle you look at it from, it is only that one point in space, time, etc.
Now, pick out another point away from your first point and draw a line between the two. The line you have just drawn has a length, and a point in space. Congratulations, we've moved up to two dimensions! Unfortunately, there are some angles that looking at our line reveal only a point. Our line needs some depth.
Draw another line across the line we've already made, creating an X, then put a line through the center of your X. Blammo, three dimensions(Point, length, and depth).
Your mental image should look something like this:
Now, imagine our three dimensional construct in real time. For every moment that has passed since we started this exercise, that point, line, and 3D construct has existed in a certain place and therefore a certain time. No matter what happens, as long as the construct exists, it has a fourth dimension, time. In this case, the fourth dimensions of the construct is the time it exists. From now until it is destroyed it occupies a place in the fourth dimension.
Now the fifth dimension is where things really get interesting. For every choice we made when constructing our 3D construct, if we had chosen another point, another place to draw our second point and line, another color, another place to bisect the X, for every one of these options, there could exist a verison of you that chose that option. For every possible choice we could have made there exists a fifth dimension in which you chose something else.
Now, the ramifications of this in regards to Christianity and God are astounding. I cannot count the number of times I have heard the phrase "God is all powerful" or "God is omnipotent." It's a phrase that gets thrown around alot without much regard to what it truly means. If God is all powerful, then in every choice you could have made, and all the possible alternate realities they could create, then God is still God in every one of those realities, dimensions, and universes. That is what omnipotence means. That in every possible choice you or I could ever make God is in control of every one of them. And in every one of those possible universes, He knows the plan He has for you, and He is in control.
If God is this powerful, and you fully acknowledge it, how come we as Christians still refuse to let him have control over the choices we make? How come we still refuse to bow to His will for our lives? If God is this powerful, and is God in every one of those dimensions, then it means He created all of them, and He is in control of all of them. We say God is eternal, that He is outside space and time, but how many of us ever stop and truly think about what that means?
This has been one of the most mind blowing things I have ever tried to comprehend, and I feel like my comprehension is barely enough.
The God I serve is this powerful. I can trust Him with my life. It's time I lived like it.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Dangerparty wants you to kill your idols.
The lengths that Christians go to justify or defend their actions astounds me. We can pour over the Bible, use objective reasoning, do critical word studies, and get into the ancient Greek to justify our desire to drink alcohol or our behavior of drinking, but we dance around the issue of what is and what is not lust, and what it really means to die to yourself, and what it really means to have the mind of Christ.
We go to such great lengths to justify the most minute goodness that can come from drinking, and we throw those scant few good points in the face of the countless potential negative consequences of drinking. Liver disease, alcoholism, compromised reasoning, not being in control of your faculties, poor decision making, the list can go on and on. But we throw out all of the potentially negative consequences by saying things like "It helps my witness", or "I don't feel any conviction on it", or "It's relaxing" or "I want to drink." Grow up, Christians.
We go to such great lengths to justify the most minute goodness that can come from drinking, and we throw those scant few good points in the face of the countless potential negative consequences of drinking. Liver disease, alcoholism, compromised reasoning, not being in control of your faculties, poor decision making, the list can go on and on. But we throw out all of the potentially negative consequences by saying things like "It helps my witness", or "I don't feel any conviction on it", or "It's relaxing" or "I want to drink." Grow up, Christians.
Just because it's not a sin does not mean it is good. Just because you do not feel any conviction about it does not mean its beneficial. Just because you've justified it to yourself by taking certain verses out of context does not mean it's biblical. An important part of being a Christian is deciding what place the Bible has in your life.
An important part of growing up is being honest enough with yourself to think critically and objectively about the role faith has in your life.
An important part of growing up is being honest enough with yourself to think critically and objectively about the role faith has in your life.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Life, Death, and the Dangerparty
The last weekend has been a roller coaster of crazy whacked out balls to the wall experiences.
Highlight: Being ten feet from a speeding train crouched in a ditch, laughing my butt off. Four times. In about one hour.
Highlight: God reaffirming the things He has made out of me, namely, my intensity, my commitment to never drink, and my heart for wrecking the hell out of this world's lies, BS, and tricks.
Highlight: Battling the Marine(my neighbor on the dorm) in an epic kajobi match for the kajobi championship of my dorm. He won, I had too much fun.
Highlight: Spending the weekend with some great guys, having a good time, learning alot about each other, and feeling a bond of brotherhood.
Downlight: Waking up at 4am on Saturday morning with my back soaked. Tents. You've betrayed me, Tents.
Downlight: Eating burnt food.
Downlight: Realizing how hard my life will continue to be, how rough the road ahead is, how tough I will have to be to make it through, and that I can't do it on my own.
My Friday was a day of experiences. Took my other neighbor, the Alaskan, to the doctors down in Lincoln to get an outpatient survey done. Funny part of that trip, the doctors at the surgery center think we are together, and keep saying things like "You can be with him, now." The Alaskan was too doped up to realize it, but I was laughing my butt off. I got Alaskan back to the campus around 530, in time for dinner, ate, packed my stuff, and took off again for the great wilds of Louisville. I could have sworn it was written as Lewisville, but maybe that's somewhere else. We had a long discussion about that around the campfire. We get to the campsite, set up, and then have our first session of Bible Study. Our speaker, Nate, told us a little about who he was, and what he'd been through, and some generic principles he'd discovered in life, nothing ground breaking, but a good introduction. I think he was a little nervous talking to a pack of men and not the high school boys he normally dealt with. He takes off, and we go on a hike, where we have the near death experience with the train tracks, and the four stealth trains that snuck up on us.
When we get back to camp, we talk about the trains and create analogies about the train, the tracks, and the dead raccoon we saw. Some that stand out were: Don't be the raccoon. Be the train. Get the raccoon off the tracks. Don't derail the train. Get off the tracks.
We go to bed, then the soggy tent episode happens, spend the rest of the night sleeping in my car. Wake up, go eat burnt breakfast. Then the next twelve hours God spoke to me in ways that I haven't experienced in a long time.
Now, I don't mean that God literally spoke to me. If I have heard the actual voice of God, I've only heard it once, and that's an event so far back in my mind that the only thing I remember about it is that God spoke to me, and I didn't die. I mean that over the next twelve hours, God reaffirmed things about myself that I was on the fence about, things I was considering sacrificing or changing to make life easier, work better, or work simpler. Things I was considering toning down to fit better with what I wanted of my life. God has different plans. God has better plans for me than what I can want or think of on my own. And those plans require me to continue in school, to continue with the intensity I have, to continue to encouRAGE, to continue to protect, to continue my commitment against alcohol, to continue to love people, to continue to love adventure and to continue being brave. I haven't felt this way in such a long time, and I don't want this to be a spiritual mountain top experience. I don't want to go down into the valley and lose this zeal, this fervor. I don't want to come down from the mountain top and find out my Israelites have made a golden idol.
Throughout the weekend, I had two chances to encourage young men around me, and I took them. I told one of them that he doesn't need to feel like he's beaten by sin, that it affects him, but it isn't him. The other young man I told that he shouldn't feel like he should step back from his ideas because it will make things smoother if he doesn't say anything. I told him to pick a fight. I told him to stand up for something he believes in, and not back down. He's got the balls for it, he's got the capacity, he just needed some encouraging. These were things I need to remind myself of daily, and it's good to see that I am not alone in these struggles. There are many times were I know it'd be easier if I didn't say something, but that part of being who God has made me is speaking my mind on things. So I pick fights against poor theology, poor behaviour, people's insecurities, people's fears, and I try to help them get over them. I appreciate it when people do this with me too, God bless my little sister.
Later that day, we were playing this ridiculous game with this gigantic blue earth ball. We'd run at it and then try to stay on top of it for as long as we could and get it the furthest. While we are playing this game, the guy I encourage to pick a fight asked me what I was afraid of, it took me about ten seconds, when I told him I was afraid of death. I was afraid of the people I love passing on. To me, right then, that was the scariest thing I could think of.
During the second session of Bible Study, we covered SEX and MONEY. Oh yeeeeeah. Nate came back to the campsite, and told us that these are the two things married couples fight about the most. We all did the customary Bible School giggling about sex, and then Nate went on to encourage us about being debt free, and staying debt free. I myself have about thirty thousand dollars worth of debt between my car loan, and my school loans. By the time I graduate, it will most likely be around fifty thousand dollars worth of debt. That's a lot of debt to work through, but it's not impossible. I have high hopes of being debt free before I am thirty five. Now, on to sex.
Nate didn't actually talk much about sex, or even sexual purity, but that part of sex is making your wife feel safe, and secure. That a lot of knuckleheads out there berate and abuse their wives all day then don't get why they don't want to do the wankadank. Fools. Nate went on to talk about finding a wife, and how if something ever comes up that's a permanent fixture in that person that won't work for you(drinking, in my case) you should abandon ship. Abort the mission. Get off the boat. This is something I've been struggling with. I myself have no desire to drink. Beer, liquor, all of that is a trap for me, and I can't let it get even a foothold. If that happens, I'm done. I'll be an alcoholic and that's the end of me. How foolish am I, to think that I could date and even one day marry someone who doesn't have the same reservations about it that I do. That's such an obvious trap, and I was leading myself into it. God closed that door hard, and sure I was disappointed about that girl, but I see now how God protects me, and how when I am not being vigiliant, He covers my back. Thank God. I like to joke that my only two requirements on my list of what I'd like in a wife is that I'm attracted to her, and that she loves Jesus. Well, I've added another one, and that's that I can't date or marry someone who will drink. Nate's comment on 'dont date someone if something comes up thats not going to work for you' got me thinking about all the girls I've asked out, and all the various reasons they've had for not dating me.
Reasons Women I've Asked Out Have Said They Don't Want To Date Me/Go On A Date W/ Me:
1. You're too intense. You make my physically tired being around you.
2. I'd rather date your friend.
3. I'd rather date that guy over there.
4. You're a barbarian.
5. Are you serious? You are ridiculous.
6. GTFO, noob.
I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, that I have some glaringly obvious flaw that says "watch out for this psycho, he's bound to wear a tutu one day and climb the clock tower." Being bereft of insight into the matter, I called my sister, who is wise beyond reason when it comes to interpreting me to the world. I asked her if I've got some glaring flaw. She just told me it's because I'm a weird person, and that I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just created from a different mold than everyone else. That mom and dad did their best to raise us without major dysfunction, and without any hangups or weirdness. Unfortunately, they forgot that everyone else in the world has dysfunction, so we stand out like oddballs.
Next came session three of the Bible Study. We sat around the campfire, and got pumped about taking the fight to the next level. About engaging in spiritual and cultural warfare. About changing the church from the inside out. About being men in a church that wants us to sit down and shut up. About protecting people, the church, and each other from the world. About wrecking the hell out of this world. Needless to say, I got into this discussion. And about halfway through, I realized my real greatest fear. That God would use me for something great, and that I would not be up to the task. We talked for an hour, with everyone around the fire talking and sharing, and getting jacked. We ended in prayer, and began to tear down the camp.
On my way to my car to grab a flashlight, I ended up walking next to Nate. Nate told me that I was a man of God, and that God loved men like me, who were intense and unflinching in the face of evil. He told me that he could tell I'd lived a rough life, and that I'd seen the face of evil, and my intensity was a blessing and a curse. That I would always be at odds with someone, and that it would take a special kind of woman to marry me, and to work alongside me as I tackled ministry and the world. I don't think Nate even had a clue about anything I'd ever been through, but that God spoke to Nate to speak to me. And I felt the greatest sense of reassurance about my course in life. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time about where I am heading. It was the greatest blessing of the week.
We got back to the university, and one of my friends was having a freak out, and as I was reassuring her, she told me I was a man of character. This blew me away. No one has ever said that about me. I never even knew if anyone knew this about me. I feel like God used her to reassure me of the character He and my parents have developed in me. Another amazing blessing.
My fear about this, however, is that something big is coming my way. That some fight that will be beyond my strength, that some struggle beyond my endurance is coming. And that I am not prepared. That God is using strangers and close friends to prepare me. To armor me. To bolster my confidence.
God, if I face dark days ahead, if I am facing the valley, I pray that You are with me every step of the way. That You stand next to me as I stare down the face of evil. That You give me the strength, the wisdom, and the courage to face this. That You lead me to victory, and that Your will be done in all of this. Amen.
Highlight: Being ten feet from a speeding train crouched in a ditch, laughing my butt off. Four times. In about one hour.
Highlight: God reaffirming the things He has made out of me, namely, my intensity, my commitment to never drink, and my heart for wrecking the hell out of this world's lies, BS, and tricks.
Highlight: Battling the Marine(my neighbor on the dorm) in an epic kajobi match for the kajobi championship of my dorm. He won, I had too much fun.
Highlight: Spending the weekend with some great guys, having a good time, learning alot about each other, and feeling a bond of brotherhood.
Downlight: Waking up at 4am on Saturday morning with my back soaked. Tents. You've betrayed me, Tents.
Downlight: Eating burnt food.
Downlight: Realizing how hard my life will continue to be, how rough the road ahead is, how tough I will have to be to make it through, and that I can't do it on my own.
My Friday was a day of experiences. Took my other neighbor, the Alaskan, to the doctors down in Lincoln to get an outpatient survey done. Funny part of that trip, the doctors at the surgery center think we are together, and keep saying things like "You can be with him, now." The Alaskan was too doped up to realize it, but I was laughing my butt off. I got Alaskan back to the campus around 530, in time for dinner, ate, packed my stuff, and took off again for the great wilds of Louisville. I could have sworn it was written as Lewisville, but maybe that's somewhere else. We had a long discussion about that around the campfire. We get to the campsite, set up, and then have our first session of Bible Study. Our speaker, Nate, told us a little about who he was, and what he'd been through, and some generic principles he'd discovered in life, nothing ground breaking, but a good introduction. I think he was a little nervous talking to a pack of men and not the high school boys he normally dealt with. He takes off, and we go on a hike, where we have the near death experience with the train tracks, and the four stealth trains that snuck up on us.
When we get back to camp, we talk about the trains and create analogies about the train, the tracks, and the dead raccoon we saw. Some that stand out were: Don't be the raccoon. Be the train. Get the raccoon off the tracks. Don't derail the train. Get off the tracks.
We go to bed, then the soggy tent episode happens, spend the rest of the night sleeping in my car. Wake up, go eat burnt breakfast. Then the next twelve hours God spoke to me in ways that I haven't experienced in a long time.
Now, I don't mean that God literally spoke to me. If I have heard the actual voice of God, I've only heard it once, and that's an event so far back in my mind that the only thing I remember about it is that God spoke to me, and I didn't die. I mean that over the next twelve hours, God reaffirmed things about myself that I was on the fence about, things I was considering sacrificing or changing to make life easier, work better, or work simpler. Things I was considering toning down to fit better with what I wanted of my life. God has different plans. God has better plans for me than what I can want or think of on my own. And those plans require me to continue in school, to continue with the intensity I have, to continue to encouRAGE, to continue to protect, to continue my commitment against alcohol, to continue to love people, to continue to love adventure and to continue being brave. I haven't felt this way in such a long time, and I don't want this to be a spiritual mountain top experience. I don't want to go down into the valley and lose this zeal, this fervor. I don't want to come down from the mountain top and find out my Israelites have made a golden idol.
Throughout the weekend, I had two chances to encourage young men around me, and I took them. I told one of them that he doesn't need to feel like he's beaten by sin, that it affects him, but it isn't him. The other young man I told that he shouldn't feel like he should step back from his ideas because it will make things smoother if he doesn't say anything. I told him to pick a fight. I told him to stand up for something he believes in, and not back down. He's got the balls for it, he's got the capacity, he just needed some encouraging. These were things I need to remind myself of daily, and it's good to see that I am not alone in these struggles. There are many times were I know it'd be easier if I didn't say something, but that part of being who God has made me is speaking my mind on things. So I pick fights against poor theology, poor behaviour, people's insecurities, people's fears, and I try to help them get over them. I appreciate it when people do this with me too, God bless my little sister.
Later that day, we were playing this ridiculous game with this gigantic blue earth ball. We'd run at it and then try to stay on top of it for as long as we could and get it the furthest. While we are playing this game, the guy I encourage to pick a fight asked me what I was afraid of, it took me about ten seconds, when I told him I was afraid of death. I was afraid of the people I love passing on. To me, right then, that was the scariest thing I could think of.
During the second session of Bible Study, we covered SEX and MONEY. Oh yeeeeeah. Nate came back to the campsite, and told us that these are the two things married couples fight about the most. We all did the customary Bible School giggling about sex, and then Nate went on to encourage us about being debt free, and staying debt free. I myself have about thirty thousand dollars worth of debt between my car loan, and my school loans. By the time I graduate, it will most likely be around fifty thousand dollars worth of debt. That's a lot of debt to work through, but it's not impossible. I have high hopes of being debt free before I am thirty five. Now, on to sex.
Nate didn't actually talk much about sex, or even sexual purity, but that part of sex is making your wife feel safe, and secure. That a lot of knuckleheads out there berate and abuse their wives all day then don't get why they don't want to do the wankadank. Fools. Nate went on to talk about finding a wife, and how if something ever comes up that's a permanent fixture in that person that won't work for you(drinking, in my case) you should abandon ship. Abort the mission. Get off the boat. This is something I've been struggling with. I myself have no desire to drink. Beer, liquor, all of that is a trap for me, and I can't let it get even a foothold. If that happens, I'm done. I'll be an alcoholic and that's the end of me. How foolish am I, to think that I could date and even one day marry someone who doesn't have the same reservations about it that I do. That's such an obvious trap, and I was leading myself into it. God closed that door hard, and sure I was disappointed about that girl, but I see now how God protects me, and how when I am not being vigiliant, He covers my back. Thank God. I like to joke that my only two requirements on my list of what I'd like in a wife is that I'm attracted to her, and that she loves Jesus. Well, I've added another one, and that's that I can't date or marry someone who will drink. Nate's comment on 'dont date someone if something comes up thats not going to work for you' got me thinking about all the girls I've asked out, and all the various reasons they've had for not dating me.
Reasons Women I've Asked Out Have Said They Don't Want To Date Me/Go On A Date W/ Me:
1. You're too intense. You make my physically tired being around you.
2. I'd rather date your friend.
3. I'd rather date that guy over there.
4. You're a barbarian.
5. Are you serious? You are ridiculous.
6. GTFO, noob.
I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, that I have some glaringly obvious flaw that says "watch out for this psycho, he's bound to wear a tutu one day and climb the clock tower." Being bereft of insight into the matter, I called my sister, who is wise beyond reason when it comes to interpreting me to the world. I asked her if I've got some glaring flaw. She just told me it's because I'm a weird person, and that I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just created from a different mold than everyone else. That mom and dad did their best to raise us without major dysfunction, and without any hangups or weirdness. Unfortunately, they forgot that everyone else in the world has dysfunction, so we stand out like oddballs.
Next came session three of the Bible Study. We sat around the campfire, and got pumped about taking the fight to the next level. About engaging in spiritual and cultural warfare. About changing the church from the inside out. About being men in a church that wants us to sit down and shut up. About protecting people, the church, and each other from the world. About wrecking the hell out of this world. Needless to say, I got into this discussion. And about halfway through, I realized my real greatest fear. That God would use me for something great, and that I would not be up to the task. We talked for an hour, with everyone around the fire talking and sharing, and getting jacked. We ended in prayer, and began to tear down the camp.
On my way to my car to grab a flashlight, I ended up walking next to Nate. Nate told me that I was a man of God, and that God loved men like me, who were intense and unflinching in the face of evil. He told me that he could tell I'd lived a rough life, and that I'd seen the face of evil, and my intensity was a blessing and a curse. That I would always be at odds with someone, and that it would take a special kind of woman to marry me, and to work alongside me as I tackled ministry and the world. I don't think Nate even had a clue about anything I'd ever been through, but that God spoke to Nate to speak to me. And I felt the greatest sense of reassurance about my course in life. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time about where I am heading. It was the greatest blessing of the week.
We got back to the university, and one of my friends was having a freak out, and as I was reassuring her, she told me I was a man of character. This blew me away. No one has ever said that about me. I never even knew if anyone knew this about me. I feel like God used her to reassure me of the character He and my parents have developed in me. Another amazing blessing.
My fear about this, however, is that something big is coming my way. That some fight that will be beyond my strength, that some struggle beyond my endurance is coming. And that I am not prepared. That God is using strangers and close friends to prepare me. To armor me. To bolster my confidence.
God, if I face dark days ahead, if I am facing the valley, I pray that You are with me every step of the way. That You stand next to me as I stare down the face of evil. That You give me the strength, the wisdom, and the courage to face this. That You lead me to victory, and that Your will be done in all of this. Amen.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Another day; another danger.
Sometimes it seems like the hardest part of writing a blog is coming up with the title, but then I come back to reality and realize the hardest part of writing a blog is remaining consistent with it. The Internet is full of blogs, web sites, side projects, and forums with a solid four to six months of entrees, discussions, and updates only to pander off as the hustle and bustle of life removes the time set aside for output. Somewhere along the lines, we lose the motivation to be productive with our projects and focus on things we value more. It's evident in humanity. We do this with everything. The things we value the most become what we spend the most time on. Priorities, always our priorities.
When you are a child, your priority is to have fun! It is great to be a kid and have your biggest worry be if you are strong enough to cross the monkey bars yet and get to the good part of the fort on the playground. When you are a teenager, fun is still a priority, but now so are cars, a boyfriend or girlfriend, and preparing for college. When you get to college, the previous priorities evolve into more complex issues like making car payments, casual sex or committed relationships, student loans or work study, to drink or not to drink, partying or studying. These issues get even murkier when you factor in being a person of faith or high morals.
The one thing we should seek to do in choosing our priorities is make wise decisions. Any yahoo or botard can say no to a beer at a party, it takes wisdom to know why you turn it down. If your only motivation for turning something down is because of "what your parents would think" you will do it at some point in your life. Part of making wise decisions is deciding what you will do before the decisions present themselves.
Situations everyone will face at some point in their life:
- sexual temptation: cheating on a spouse, cheating on a significant other, using pornography
- abusing drugs: smoking weed, using a "pick me up", abusing alcohol
- dishonesty: cheating on a test, taking credit for something you did not do
- anger: flipping off that gremlin who just cut you off on the freeway
- cowardice: not calling out the poser who berates and humiliates someone else for something trivial
In all these circumstances, if you do not decide what you should do now, you will almost always make a decision in haste that you would not have made if you were prepared. Part of having good priorities is deciding what you will and will not stand for, or allow to happen. Part of making wise decisions is standing up for what's right, not just what you believe in.
When you set out to do something, make it a priority. Make preparing for the rough situations in life a priority.
When you are a child, your priority is to have fun! It is great to be a kid and have your biggest worry be if you are strong enough to cross the monkey bars yet and get to the good part of the fort on the playground. When you are a teenager, fun is still a priority, but now so are cars, a boyfriend or girlfriend, and preparing for college. When you get to college, the previous priorities evolve into more complex issues like making car payments, casual sex or committed relationships, student loans or work study, to drink or not to drink, partying or studying. These issues get even murkier when you factor in being a person of faith or high morals.
The one thing we should seek to do in choosing our priorities is make wise decisions. Any yahoo or botard can say no to a beer at a party, it takes wisdom to know why you turn it down. If your only motivation for turning something down is because of "what your parents would think" you will do it at some point in your life. Part of making wise decisions is deciding what you will do before the decisions present themselves.
Situations everyone will face at some point in their life:
- sexual temptation: cheating on a spouse, cheating on a significant other, using pornography
- abusing drugs: smoking weed, using a "pick me up", abusing alcohol
- dishonesty: cheating on a test, taking credit for something you did not do
- anger: flipping off that gremlin who just cut you off on the freeway
- cowardice: not calling out the poser who berates and humiliates someone else for something trivial
In all these circumstances, if you do not decide what you should do now, you will almost always make a decision in haste that you would not have made if you were prepared. Part of having good priorities is deciding what you will and will not stand for, or allow to happen. Part of making wise decisions is standing up for what's right, not just what you believe in.
When you set out to do something, make it a priority. Make preparing for the rough situations in life a priority.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The MixCd Project
The challenge in the MixCd Project is to be able to tell alot about yourself with enough songs to cram onto one disc. I managed to fit eighteen(read: 18) songs on one disc.
If you started listening to my MixCd, entitled Dangerparty Mix 1, it starts off with a ten minute lament about what hate is, and what it does. Hate's something I've struggled with in my life, hate for myself, hate for others, hate for the church, hate for God, hates something that has been a chain in my life. It defined so much of my younger life that its had an indelible effect on who I am, and who I can be. But, since my youth, I am not the same. I have been changed through the friendships of some amazing people, and the love of God. The Devil has not liked this, and has done his best to get a hold of me, and to bog me down with the old chains, and with new chains, like frustration with my faith, and with my beliefs. I've often asked myself the question if God wants to use me, how come He isn't? These tough questions, and the tough situations that accompanied them grew me in ways I never thought I could. I learned, and grew, and came to realize that perhaps the reason God wasn't using me was that there was something in my heart that was holding me back from being in one accord with Him. I set out to figure it out, and along the way I had my heart broken, my hope for society crushed, and a growing list of tough questions that I wasn't finding answers for in church, or in the Christian culture. I began to look for answers, and I found some, but I mainly learned things from my father, an unbreakable man who has looked out for me, guided me, and molded me without creating a clone of himself, but a person who has grown into his own man. He's guided me through love, heavy beating hearts, the heartbreaks that come with them and the amazing sensations of figuring out a purpose for my life, and what I should look for in relationships, a love that is true. His example with my mom is something that has left a more indelible mark than the one that hate left on me. He taught me that to have no regrets in life sometimes you have to do things that might hurt yourself, or give other people things to claim against you, even though you are following your heart and doing what you know is right. Another tough lesson he taught me is that no matter the problems in your life, your character must be unmovable, and that character must be rooted in strong theology, and that things we do in secret, the sins we hide, will be made known to everyone, and everyone will be held accountable for what they've done. My dad taught me all of these things, but more importantly, he let me experience them on my own, and learn them for myself. He let me carry on my own path, and provided direction when it was asked, criticism when it was necessary, and friendship through all of it. That's not to say that I am done learning, or that I only live the good life now, but that every day is new, and every day could be another day for heartbreak, independence, or joy, and that you should never shy from the hardships of life, because when you run away from them you put shackles around your feet, and we are all made to be free as a bird.
If you started listening to my MixCd, entitled Dangerparty Mix 1, it starts off with a ten minute lament about what hate is, and what it does. Hate's something I've struggled with in my life, hate for myself, hate for others, hate for the church, hate for God, hates something that has been a chain in my life. It defined so much of my younger life that its had an indelible effect on who I am, and who I can be. But, since my youth, I am not the same. I have been changed through the friendships of some amazing people, and the love of God. The Devil has not liked this, and has done his best to get a hold of me, and to bog me down with the old chains, and with new chains, like frustration with my faith, and with my beliefs. I've often asked myself the question if God wants to use me, how come He isn't? These tough questions, and the tough situations that accompanied them grew me in ways I never thought I could. I learned, and grew, and came to realize that perhaps the reason God wasn't using me was that there was something in my heart that was holding me back from being in one accord with Him. I set out to figure it out, and along the way I had my heart broken, my hope for society crushed, and a growing list of tough questions that I wasn't finding answers for in church, or in the Christian culture. I began to look for answers, and I found some, but I mainly learned things from my father, an unbreakable man who has looked out for me, guided me, and molded me without creating a clone of himself, but a person who has grown into his own man. He's guided me through love, heavy beating hearts, the heartbreaks that come with them and the amazing sensations of figuring out a purpose for my life, and what I should look for in relationships, a love that is true. His example with my mom is something that has left a more indelible mark than the one that hate left on me. He taught me that to have no regrets in life sometimes you have to do things that might hurt yourself, or give other people things to claim against you, even though you are following your heart and doing what you know is right. Another tough lesson he taught me is that no matter the problems in your life, your character must be unmovable, and that character must be rooted in strong theology, and that things we do in secret, the sins we hide, will be made known to everyone, and everyone will be held accountable for what they've done. My dad taught me all of these things, but more importantly, he let me experience them on my own, and learn them for myself. He let me carry on my own path, and provided direction when it was asked, criticism when it was necessary, and friendship through all of it. That's not to say that I am done learning, or that I only live the good life now, but that every day is new, and every day could be another day for heartbreak, independence, or joy, and that you should never shy from the hardships of life, because when you run away from them you put shackles around your feet, and we are all made to be free as a bird.
Monday, August 24, 2009
A: Frustration
I've spent the last year out of church. It has not been entirely devoid of the Lord's influence, as I've learned, grown, and realized things about my faith and why I believe what I do. Coming to grips with somethings that many might consider harsh about faith was one of the toughest things I've had to do, but at the same time one of the most rewarding. I have a new appreciation for who, what, and why God is. This year was a time of great struggle, as I had to deal with a lot of new things that I've never experienced. Being fired was a big one, but being by my friend's side as they went through relational issues was the toughest. Coming to grips with some of the things from my past was a contender for the second spot on the list. The experiences of the last year resonated deeply with what I know of God and what I've learned about God.
Gradually, however, I know that I must return to the fold. I must go to church. Not because it's "mandatory" or a qualification of salvation, but because if you are away from the fellowship you lose touch with your brothers and sisters, you lose contact with other people on the same journey as you. The Christian life is often compared to a battlefield and battles are won with armies, not lone rangers. To win the battle, I must fight alongside others.
Upon returning to the fold, the bubble, I was struck by something that seemed to me out of place with what I know of faith. We claim to serve a living God, but we live, act, and worship as if Christ never rose from the dead. Our praise songs are funeral dirges, our lives are "whitewashed tombs full of dead bones, and all that is unclean"(Matthew 23:27). We are practical atheists, we acknowledge God exists, but live like He does not, to quote Craig Groeschel. We pay lip service to our God, and can debate the differences between infralapsarianism and supralapsarianism, but you ask us what we are excited about and we can lie and say "Jesus!" or be honest and admit it's the new season of LOST. We have head knowledge, but no heart knowledge.
This is an old critique, one that has befallen Christians, and the Pharisees alike. We know the doctrine of the Bible, we know the history of the Bible, but we have never lived it's Heart. The Heart of the Bible, the sum of all it's info is that Christ was born, died, and then LIVED again, and that because of that we are free from paying the cost of our sins, the seperation from God. We have the most glorious news of all time and we live and act like it's the most shameful thing we've ever done. We are afraid of our faith, we are afraid of what people will think, and we are afraid of what the consequences will be if we live a life that fears and respects the living God.
The best sports fans can rattle off any fact, factoid, blurb or obscure reference of their favorite team and then act like a madman at any of their games. Most Christians will tell you that Jesus saves and that you should behave. I serve a God that asks me to be as I am, and to come to Him with my heart, and to live my life as hard as I can. To serve Him and to live a life pleasing to Him with abandon, and a bold sure faith. God demands our best, and He can. It's not enough to speak truth, we must live it.
If God is real, and God is good, then how come we live like He's stuck in the tomb?
To end this blog I felt it would be best to quote someone who lives their life as hard as they can for a cause they believe in:
Gradually, however, I know that I must return to the fold. I must go to church. Not because it's "mandatory" or a qualification of salvation, but because if you are away from the fellowship you lose touch with your brothers and sisters, you lose contact with other people on the same journey as you. The Christian life is often compared to a battlefield and battles are won with armies, not lone rangers. To win the battle, I must fight alongside others.
Upon returning to the fold, the bubble, I was struck by something that seemed to me out of place with what I know of faith. We claim to serve a living God, but we live, act, and worship as if Christ never rose from the dead. Our praise songs are funeral dirges, our lives are "whitewashed tombs full of dead bones, and all that is unclean"(Matthew 23:27). We are practical atheists, we acknowledge God exists, but live like He does not, to quote Craig Groeschel. We pay lip service to our God, and can debate the differences between infralapsarianism and supralapsarianism, but you ask us what we are excited about and we can lie and say "Jesus!" or be honest and admit it's the new season of LOST. We have head knowledge, but no heart knowledge.
This is an old critique, one that has befallen Christians, and the Pharisees alike. We know the doctrine of the Bible, we know the history of the Bible, but we have never lived it's Heart. The Heart of the Bible, the sum of all it's info is that Christ was born, died, and then LIVED again, and that because of that we are free from paying the cost of our sins, the seperation from God. We have the most glorious news of all time and we live and act like it's the most shameful thing we've ever done. We are afraid of our faith, we are afraid of what people will think, and we are afraid of what the consequences will be if we live a life that fears and respects the living God.
The best sports fans can rattle off any fact, factoid, blurb or obscure reference of their favorite team and then act like a madman at any of their games. Most Christians will tell you that Jesus saves and that you should behave. I serve a God that asks me to be as I am, and to come to Him with my heart, and to live my life as hard as I can. To serve Him and to live a life pleasing to Him with abandon, and a bold sure faith. God demands our best, and He can. It's not enough to speak truth, we must live it.
If God is real, and God is good, then how come we live like He's stuck in the tomb?
To end this blog I felt it would be best to quote someone who lives their life as hard as they can for a cause they believe in:
Take care of each other out there. everyone here is my brother, let's make sure everybody goes home safe. Alright, let's stomp some heads. - Scott Vogel, frontman of Terror
The total commitment and certainty Scott Vogel has to hardcore music is the only thing keeping him alive at times, and it's what he lives for, how many Christians can make the same claim about the God that created everything, loves everyone, and willingly died for us?
The total commitment and certainty Scott Vogel has to hardcore music is the only thing keeping him alive at times, and it's what he lives for, how many Christians can make the same claim about the God that created everything, loves everyone, and willingly died for us?
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Life with the dangerparty
How best to describe what it means to be a part, to live, to breathe, to exist in the dangerparty?
First things first, there are three simple rules to the dangerparty.
Everything must be done with honesty.
Everything must be done with simplicity.
Everything must be done with intensity.
Honesty is such a rare thing in our society, our culture, christian or secular. Some people are afraid to tell you what they think, but they tell you what is the "right" answer, or what you want to hear. People lie to be accepted, to be thought of as more holy, or even just to make friends. So often you hear the phrase "be real", or variations of that theme, and I get the feeling that everyone is aware of this lack of honesty, and they seek it out earnestly, only to further propitiate the lies themselves. We, as a people, desperately seek truth and authenticity in our lives but our afraid to take the initial leap ourselves.
Simplicity is something I've been striving for in my life as of late. It takes a moment to begin to acquire it, and maintaining it is a discipline. I read a book about some of the beliefs of St. Francis of Assisi this summer, and simplicity is a practice that had much to do with Frank's life. He regularly gave to others. He would even go so far as to give the cloak off his own back to someone in need. He stresses that we often have more than we need without even realizing it. I took stock of my extra clothes a day or so after I read this, and I was amazed. I had more t-shirts, jeans, and shorts than I knew what to do with. They are currently in a bag waiting to go to New Life Thrift or Open Door Mission. I bet if you looked in your closets you would find yourself in a similar situation. We live in a culture that espouses a doctrine of catching up. You catch up with the latest fashion, you catch up with the latest toys, you catch up with your neighbors and Hollywood, and in doing so we acquire much more than we need or even use. It's boggling to see how much we all buy into this, and breaking free from it is harder than you might think. Simplicity, however, goes beyond the possessions you have. It extends into your everyday life, and relationships. It transcends all facets of our lives. I'm going to devote a further entry into this once I've had more time to practice it.
Intensity, a curse and a gift. Intensity is an odd lot to be assigned in life. On one hand, you are affirmed for having a zeal for life. On the other hand, people are quick to question your sincerity. Truly, intensity is a double edged sword. It's great to be enthusiastic and committed, it's a bummer to be doubted on a regular basis. Intensity in my own life is a result of two close encounters with death. When you've almost lost your life, living without intensity is bland. There's no passion, no joy in it. Living intensely may seem like living for the moment but it transcends loud music, action, and adventure. Living intensely is simply living life to the fullest in every moment. To do everything you do without being mastered by fear or uncertainty. To live life with abandon and no remorse.
The dangerparty is a sum of my personal experiences and philosophies. You can live life safe, and play things safely, but to live life to the fullest, you must take risks. You must be bold. You must be ready to party.
After twenty three years of this life, I think I can sum up everything I have learned with the following:
Life is meant to be lived as a celebration of the human experience as it was intended by the Creator, looking ahead to the life eternal.
Born to party, prepared to die.
First things first, there are three simple rules to the dangerparty.
Everything must be done with honesty.
Everything must be done with simplicity.
Everything must be done with intensity.
Honesty is such a rare thing in our society, our culture, christian or secular. Some people are afraid to tell you what they think, but they tell you what is the "right" answer, or what you want to hear. People lie to be accepted, to be thought of as more holy, or even just to make friends. So often you hear the phrase "be real", or variations of that theme, and I get the feeling that everyone is aware of this lack of honesty, and they seek it out earnestly, only to further propitiate the lies themselves. We, as a people, desperately seek truth and authenticity in our lives but our afraid to take the initial leap ourselves.
Simplicity is something I've been striving for in my life as of late. It takes a moment to begin to acquire it, and maintaining it is a discipline. I read a book about some of the beliefs of St. Francis of Assisi this summer, and simplicity is a practice that had much to do with Frank's life. He regularly gave to others. He would even go so far as to give the cloak off his own back to someone in need. He stresses that we often have more than we need without even realizing it. I took stock of my extra clothes a day or so after I read this, and I was amazed. I had more t-shirts, jeans, and shorts than I knew what to do with. They are currently in a bag waiting to go to New Life Thrift or Open Door Mission. I bet if you looked in your closets you would find yourself in a similar situation. We live in a culture that espouses a doctrine of catching up. You catch up with the latest fashion, you catch up with the latest toys, you catch up with your neighbors and Hollywood, and in doing so we acquire much more than we need or even use. It's boggling to see how much we all buy into this, and breaking free from it is harder than you might think. Simplicity, however, goes beyond the possessions you have. It extends into your everyday life, and relationships. It transcends all facets of our lives. I'm going to devote a further entry into this once I've had more time to practice it.
Intensity, a curse and a gift. Intensity is an odd lot to be assigned in life. On one hand, you are affirmed for having a zeal for life. On the other hand, people are quick to question your sincerity. Truly, intensity is a double edged sword. It's great to be enthusiastic and committed, it's a bummer to be doubted on a regular basis. Intensity in my own life is a result of two close encounters with death. When you've almost lost your life, living without intensity is bland. There's no passion, no joy in it. Living intensely may seem like living for the moment but it transcends loud music, action, and adventure. Living intensely is simply living life to the fullest in every moment. To do everything you do without being mastered by fear or uncertainty. To live life with abandon and no remorse.
The dangerparty is a sum of my personal experiences and philosophies. You can live life safe, and play things safely, but to live life to the fullest, you must take risks. You must be bold. You must be ready to party.
After twenty three years of this life, I think I can sum up everything I have learned with the following:
Life is meant to be lived as a celebration of the human experience as it was intended by the Creator, looking ahead to the life eternal.
Born to party, prepared to die.
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