Life, Death, and the Dangerparty

The last weekend has been a roller coaster of crazy whacked out balls to the wall experiences.

Highlight: Being ten feet from a speeding train crouched in a ditch, laughing my butt off. Four times. In about one hour.

Highlight: God reaffirming the things He has made out of me, namely, my intensity, my commitment to never drink, and my heart for wrecking the hell out of this world's lies, BS, and tricks.

Highlight: Battling the Marine(my neighbor on the dorm) in an epic kajobi match for the kajobi championship of my dorm. He won, I had too much fun.

Highlight: Spending the weekend with some great guys, having a good time, learning alot about each other, and feeling a bond of brotherhood.

Downlight: Waking up at 4am on Saturday morning with my back soaked. Tents. You've betrayed me, Tents.

Downlight: Eating burnt food.

Downlight: Realizing how hard my life will continue to be, how rough the road ahead is, how tough I will have to be to make it through, and that I can't do it on my own.

My Friday was a day of experiences. Took my other neighbor, the Alaskan, to the doctors down in Lincoln to get an outpatient survey done. Funny part of that trip, the doctors at the surgery center think we are together, and keep saying things like "You can be with him, now." The Alaskan was too doped up to realize it, but I was laughing my butt off. I got Alaskan back to the campus around 530, in time for dinner, ate, packed my stuff, and took off again for the great wilds of Louisville. I could have sworn it was written as Lewisville, but maybe that's somewhere else. We had a long discussion about that around the campfire. We get to the campsite, set up, and then have our first session of Bible Study. Our speaker, Nate, told us a little about who he was, and what he'd been through, and some generic principles he'd discovered in life, nothing ground breaking, but a good introduction. I think he was a little nervous talking to a pack of men and not the high school boys he normally dealt with. He takes off, and we go on a hike, where we have the near death experience with the train tracks, and the four stealth trains that snuck up on us.

When we get back to camp, we talk about the trains and create analogies about the train, the tracks, and the dead raccoon we saw. Some that stand out were: Don't be the raccoon. Be the train. Get the raccoon off the tracks. Don't derail the train. Get off the tracks.

We go to bed, then the soggy tent episode happens, spend the rest of the night sleeping in my car. Wake up, go eat burnt breakfast. Then the next twelve hours God spoke to me in ways that I haven't experienced in a long time.

Now, I don't mean that God literally spoke to me. If I have heard the actual voice of God, I've only heard it once, and that's an event so far back in my mind that the only thing I remember about it is that God spoke to me, and I didn't die. I mean that over the next twelve hours, God reaffirmed things about myself that I was on the fence about, things I was considering sacrificing or changing to make life easier, work better, or work simpler. Things I was considering toning down to fit better with what I wanted of my life. God has different plans. God has better plans for me than what I can want or think of on my own. And those plans require me to continue in school, to continue with the intensity I have, to continue to encouRAGE, to continue to protect, to continue my commitment against alcohol, to continue to love people, to continue to love adventure and to continue being brave. I haven't felt this way in such a long time, and I don't want this to be a spiritual mountain top experience. I don't want to go down into the valley and lose this zeal, this fervor. I don't want to come down from the mountain top and find out my Israelites have made a golden idol.

Throughout the weekend, I had two chances to encourage young men around me, and I took them. I told one of them that he doesn't need to feel like he's beaten by sin, that it affects him, but it isn't him. The other young man I told that he shouldn't feel like he should step back from his ideas because it will make things smoother if he doesn't say anything. I told him to pick a fight. I told him to stand up for something he believes in, and not back down. He's got the balls for it, he's got the capacity, he just needed some encouraging. These were things I need to remind myself of daily, and it's good to see that I am not alone in these struggles. There are many times were I know it'd be easier if I didn't say something, but that part of being who God has made me is speaking my mind on things. So I pick fights against poor theology, poor behaviour, people's insecurities, people's fears, and I try to help them get over them. I appreciate it when people do this with me too, God bless my little sister.

Later that day, we were playing this ridiculous game with this gigantic blue earth ball. We'd run at it and then try to stay on top of it for as long as we could and get it the furthest. While we are playing this game, the guy I encourage to pick a fight asked me what I was afraid of, it took me about ten seconds, when I told him I was afraid of death. I was afraid of the people I love passing on. To me, right then, that was the scariest thing I could think of.

During the second session of Bible Study, we covered SEX and MONEY. Oh yeeeeeah. Nate came back to the campsite, and told us that these are the two things married couples fight about the most. We all did the customary Bible School giggling about sex, and then Nate went on to encourage us about being debt free, and staying debt free. I myself have about thirty thousand dollars worth of debt between my car loan, and my school loans. By the time I graduate, it will most likely be around fifty thousand dollars worth of debt. That's a lot of debt to work through, but it's not impossible. I have high hopes of being debt free before I am thirty five. Now, on to sex.

Nate didn't actually talk much about sex, or even sexual purity, but that part of sex is making your wife feel safe, and secure. That a lot of knuckleheads out there berate and abuse their wives all day then don't get why they don't want to do the wankadank. Fools. Nate went on to talk about finding a wife, and how if something ever comes up that's a permanent fixture in that person that won't work for you(drinking, in my case) you should abandon ship. Abort the mission. Get off the boat. This is something I've been struggling with. I myself have no desire to drink. Beer, liquor, all of that is a trap for me, and I can't let it get even a foothold. If that happens, I'm done. I'll be an alcoholic and that's the end of me. How foolish am I, to think that I could date and even one day marry someone who doesn't have the same reservations about it that I do. That's such an obvious trap, and I was leading myself into it. God closed that door hard, and sure I was disappointed about that girl, but I see now how God protects me, and how when I am not being vigiliant, He covers my back. Thank God. I like to joke that my only two requirements on my list of what I'd like in a wife is that I'm attracted to her, and that she loves Jesus. Well, I've added another one, and that's that I can't date or marry someone who will drink. Nate's comment on 'dont date someone if something comes up thats not going to work for you' got me thinking about all the girls I've asked out, and all the various reasons they've had for not dating me.

Reasons Women I've Asked Out Have Said They Don't Want To Date Me/Go On A Date W/ Me:
1. You're too intense. You make my physically tired being around you.
2. I'd rather date your friend.
3. I'd rather date that guy over there.
4. You're a barbarian.
5. Are you serious? You are ridiculous.
6. GTFO, noob.

I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, that I have some glaringly obvious flaw that says "watch out for this psycho, he's bound to wear a tutu one day and climb the clock tower." Being bereft of insight into the matter, I called my sister, who is wise beyond reason when it comes to interpreting me to the world. I asked her if I've got some glaring flaw. She just told me it's because I'm a weird person, and that I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just created from a different mold than everyone else. That mom and dad did their best to raise us without major dysfunction, and without any hangups or weirdness. Unfortunately, they forgot that everyone else in the world has dysfunction, so we stand out like oddballs.

Next came session three of the Bible Study. We sat around the campfire, and got pumped about taking the fight to the next level. About engaging in spiritual and cultural warfare. About changing the church from the inside out. About being men in a church that wants us to sit down and shut up. About protecting people, the church, and each other from the world. About wrecking the hell out of this world. Needless to say, I got into this discussion. And about halfway through, I realized my real greatest fear. That God would use me for something great, and that I would not be up to the task. We talked for an hour, with everyone around the fire talking and sharing, and getting jacked. We ended in prayer, and began to tear down the camp.

On my way to my car to grab a flashlight, I ended up walking next to Nate. Nate told me that I was a man of God, and that God loved men like me, who were intense and unflinching in the face of evil. He told me that he could tell I'd lived a rough life, and that I'd seen the face of evil, and my intensity was a blessing and a curse. That I would always be at odds with someone, and that it would take a special kind of woman to marry me, and to work alongside me as I tackled ministry and the world. I don't think Nate even had a clue about anything I'd ever been through, but that God spoke to Nate to speak to me. And I felt the greatest sense of reassurance about my course in life. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time about where I am heading. It was the greatest blessing of the week.

We got back to the university, and one of my friends was having a freak out, and as I was reassuring her, she told me I was a man of character. This blew me away. No one has ever said that about me. I never even knew if anyone knew this about me. I feel like God used her to reassure me of the character He and my parents have developed in me. Another amazing blessing.

My fear about this, however, is that something big is coming my way. That some fight that will be beyond my strength, that some struggle beyond my endurance is coming. And that I am not prepared. That God is using strangers and close friends to prepare me. To armor me. To bolster my confidence.

God, if I face dark days ahead, if I am facing the valley, I pray that You are with me every step of the way. That You stand next to me as I stare down the face of evil. That You give me the strength, the wisdom, and the courage to face this. That You lead me to victory, and that Your will be done in all of this. Amen.